Wednesday, August 11, 2010
So, I’m reading this book by science writer, Mary Roach, called Stiff: The Curious Life of Human Cadavers. I know, so predictable…
It is a very funny and engaging book. Roach writes about the different uses of human cadavers, from medical research, to organ donation, to testing the effects of weapons or landmines on human body parts. By the way – not pleasant – in case you were wondering.
It got me thinking about what I want to do with my remains. Of course, I am an organ donor. No point in me keeping them considering how I won’t be using them anymore. But once they’ve harvested myliver, heart, eyes (I’m donating my glasses too), spleen and pancreas, what to do with the overall carcass when done?
Now, I know I’d always said I’d be taxidermied so Mr. A could prop me in the corner with a huge grin and a wave. We even talked about motorizing me with my other hand up holding a tray to offer martinis to guests.
Now, that has changed. I see now that I could serve a more useful purpose for all mankind. So here are my options:
- Use my carcass as a crash test dummy. I would have to insist on testing in a Porsche – as it might be my only chance to ever drive one. And I insist on wearing a formal Armani gown at the time. Do I even need to mention the Jimmy Choo shoes? Would it be possible to have liposuction beforehand? I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
- Testing for nonlethal weapons. I would prefer the nonlethal weapons used in Mystery Men – like the Blame Thrower (I’m dead, so how much blame would I take?) or the Shrinker (like I’d feel that wedgie). Even as a carcass I don’t want to try the beanbag shooter. I saw Jackass. That bruise didn’t go away for weeks.
- I think there should be something where the dead have to try on designer clothing – something where it would make fashion safer for the living. (It might be my only opportunity to wear a Pucci gown and I think I’d need to hold an Oscar to make it real.) They need cadavers to do that, right?
Under NO circumstances are they to practice plastic surgery on me. They use cadaver heads to practice various techniques. If I didn’t get it in life, no one gives it to me in death. There’s only so much you can do to leave a pretty corpse. I don’t want to look better after I’m dead than I did in life.
What would you do?
The Assassin