WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14, 2012
Two weeks ago, I hosted my niece’s sprinkle with my mom. A “sprinkle” is what you have with the second kid – you’ve already had a shower – so now you only get a “sprinkle.”
I can only imagine that with the third kid you have a “mist,” followed by an “evaporation” with the fourth. Babies after that can only have a “thinking it might rain.” I don’t really know, but that’s what I’d call it.
My niece has a thing for sock monkeys. The nursery and the theme of the sprinkle for my soon to be great nephew was sock monkeys. He will wake up in a room filled with sock monkeys, beneath a mobile consisting of sock monkeys, wearing jammies with sock monkeys. And might I say, the guests got a little carried away with the sock monkey theme. I saw sock monkeys on things that shouldn’t have sock monkeys on them. Shudder.
Anyway, I was told by my niece that I would emcee the event. This was interesting because I didn’t know anyone but my mom and niece. All the other guests were ladies from my niece’s church. For some reason, there were no other relatives invited. But what do I know? I’m just the emcee of the sock monkey sprinkle.
So, to warm up the crowd, I ask the young girl to my left – the one who has brought a one-month old baby named “Titus,” to tell us the story behind that name. I mean, there had to be a story, right?
The girl said, “Oh, there’s no story! Titus was the only boy’s name in the Bible that wasn’t weird.”
(insert crickets chirping as church ladies around me nod knowingly.)
My niece was shaking her head “no” violently in my general direction. I could feel my mother’s eyes boring holes into my spine behind me.
The temptation to retort was so hard to resist! One thousand comebacks came to me instantly – all jockeying for position in my closed mouth. I was actually lightheaded from all the sarcasm welling up. Comments like these kept trying to escape:
“I know, right? I mean David, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John… those names are just so unbelievably bizarre!”
OR “Titus is the one name you just can’t shorten in any way to make fun of…well unless you shorten it to ‘Tits,’ but I’m sure boys won’t ever think of that.”
OR “Of course, you’ll follow up by naming a second baby Azmaveth or Nergalsharezar the Rab-Mag – the only other non-weird biblical names for boys.”
I did not say any of those things. I held it together and swallowed my comedic genius. And the sprinkle continued without incident. Well, until we had to do fill-in-the-blank “hopes” for my niece’s baby – for the baby book. I answered most of them normally…I really did. Until the last two:
“I hope you are never afraid of:” Sock monkeys. (Because I am now afraid of sock monkeys.)
“I hope you will always remember:” The Alamo.
I think my soon-to-be grand nephew will appreciate that. And he will also appreciate that his Great Aunt Leslie would never, every allow him to be named “Titus.”
The Assassin