WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2010
Mwah, hah, hah, hah!
Halloween, baby! Woo hoo! I am a total spaz for Halloween! We decorate the house more than we do at any other time. I have more than a dozen animatronic characters, a haunted village that moves and makes noise, and my iPod has 3 separate Halloween playlists.
Here are a few things that frighten me most about Halloween this year:
- Midterm Elections. Nothing strikes fear into my heart more. The politicians running for office are creepier than eating cheesecake at Hustler Hollywood (which I did once – shudder. Trust me, don’t ever eat dessert where you can see and smell latex genitals). Anyway, the campaign ads make outrageous claims, “Bob Blarfandar eats human babies for breakfast and has sex with squirrels in front of the neighbors…” Or maybe that’s just my state? You guys probably have normal candidates.
- Slutty kid costumes. I’ve seen more midriff-baring, daisy duke-skirted, thigh-high wearing elementary school girls in stilettos than I ever need to see again. What is WRONG with parents? “Oh, look at Susie! We had to use makeup shading on her chest to give her cleavage, but isn’t she adorable?” Funny how they react when I respond, “Actually, she looks like a five year-old whore…like the rest of the girls in her kindergarten class.” When I snap and start sniping people from my roof, these parents will be the first to go.
- Bad weather and bad weathermen. As temps and such begin to go south, we will vacillate between rain/mud and sleet/ice. Which means the weathermen will have all kinds of dire predictions, like, “The conditions are ripe for a Godzilla Attack in Henderson County tonight…” I mean, where exactly do you go hide from an imminent Godzilla attack? The basement is only good for tornados. Running around outside will get you eaten or fried. Why don’t the weathermen actually prepare us for this stuff?
Well, that’s my list of what’s scary this year. What are you afraid of?
The Assassin