Greatest Hits - Book 7
Ever wondered what it's like to be born into a family of assassins? Gin Bombay knows, and now she's sharing her family's deepest, darkest secrets...
The Bombay Family Bedtime Stories continue with MY HEROES HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HITMEN! Four more family stories have been released from the vault, including Rio Bombay—wanna-be cowboy and wild west gunslinger, Caspian—the first Bombay to have to take out another Bombay, Aberdeen—the hoop-skirted Antebellum Assassin, and Dublin Bombay—the Scottish Viking Slayer! History is at its most hilarious as this darkly funny family tells all...
FROM THE AUTHOR – GIN BOMBAY:
These tales are the bedtime stories and family histories of the Bombay Family. Because of the oral tradition in which they’ve been handed down all these years, I’m writing these in my own voice. Well, because of that and the fact that I’m very lazy, and apparently there are four cassowaries in Australia who are a bit impatient for this next book. By the way – this is for you, Bulvai, Hrothgar, Beowulf and Kevin!
I’ve had some requests to include at least one story about how one of our strange family rules got started, so I’ve included one. See if you can spot it. Hint – it’s a bit darker than the others. Being a Bombay isn’t easy my friends.
Since publishing the first collection: SNUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON: And Other Bombay Bedtime Stories, I’ve had a few critics complaining about voice, historical accuracy, etc. And I’d just like to say that there are now a few less critics in the world.
You’re welcome.
I hope you enjoy the stories. I know I did.
Rio Bombay
Felony, Texas - 1870
It was dawn and it was dusty the morning I rode into Felony, Texas. There was something romantic about that because I was in town to kill a man. Not just any man - the corrupt Marshal Beauregarde Figgins. My name is Rio. Rio Bombay.
Norbert, my horse, slumped between my legs. He was tired. But we were here and he could have oats, a good rubdown and a nice, dry stable for the night. Norbert didn’t have to kill anybody. He could just hang out and wait until I was done. Then, I rather hoped we’d be able to ride off into the sunset or something poetic like that.
Chances were pretty good I could arrange that sunset thing. It didn’t really matter when I killed Figgins. I was my own boss, so I thought I could make this happen.
Alright, I’ll admit right now that I was a bit of a Wild West nut. Actually, I grew up in Newport, Rhode Island. But I spent all my time reading about cowboys and lawmen and gunslingers. When this opportunity came up, I jumped at it. Even bought a horse and everything. It was just unfortunate his name was Norbert. I’d envisioned a name like Duke or Trigger when I got my first horse. But he was a trick horse from the circus and only knew how to respond to 'Norbert,’ so that’s what I had to deal with.
Oh yeah, Rio really is my name. Rio de Janero Bombay. As a kid I shortened it and told everyone it was because of the Rio Grande. I wished it was. I really, really did.
“Why are you so quiet?” Jeb asked.
“Just thinking,” I answered a bit sheepishly.
“Okay, Colonel.” Jeb said, as he continued riding next to me.
Did I forget to mention I wasn’t alone? Jebediah Smith was a man from my infantry unit in the war. I’d come across him just outside of St. Louis. He was headed this way and thought we could ride together. A good man in a fight, I liked him when he served with me. Besides, a little company made the long trip to West Texas a bit easier. Unfortunately, his horse was named Cochise. I thought that was a bit unfair. But no matter. Jeb was just looking to homestead somewhere in Texas. Once he found that place, we’d be parting ways.
I slowly rode Norbert up what passed for a Main Street in this backwater town. Townspeople walked through the dirt, looking at me warily. It had to be the hat. I’d bought a black, ten-gallon hat in Oklahoma, much to Jeb’s amusement. I thought it was most appropriate. I tipped it to several of the ladies who I passed. They ignored me. I hadn’t expected that.
We found the hotel and tied up Norbert and Cochise. Norbert gave me a look that said he’d rather go directly to the stables. I stroked his ears and made my way into the two-story clapboard building.
“I need two rooms,” I tried to say with a gruff, cowboyish snarl. In all those stories, cowboys were men of few words and had deep, crackling voices. Jeb turned away to hide his grin. I’d really have to talk to him about that.
“Okay,” A bored matron shoved the register toward me and asked me to sign for both rooms. I wrote Rio Bombay in big, dark letters and a sharp, sloping hand. I was admiring my new gunslinger style signature when she tossed me two keys and snapped the book shut without even looking at my name. That was disappointing.
“Fifty cents a night. Dinner’s at six. Stables around back.” She frowned at us. Ah, the old spinster who ran the hotel, I thought, imagining her coming out here as a bride for sale, but having found no takers, chose to run the local hotel. She would have a ‘no frills’ name, like Prudence and a sour attitude to match.
I paid her and tipped my hat and said, “Ma’am.” I’m not sure she heard me because she turned away as soon as she had my money. I looked at my key – Room Four. Yes, that sounded like a good number for the room of a gunman. I tossed Jeb his key and he caught it mid-air, which I thought looked good. He went up to his room while I checked on the horses.
Norbert looked a bit unimpressed with our new status as the savvy, sage lone rider and his trusty steed. I led him and Cochise around back to the stables. Once I was sure they were taken care of, I headed up to my room and dropped my satchel on the bed.
The room was neat and clean. There was an iron-framed bed with two pillows and a clean, simple quilt. In the corner was a table with a bowl and pitcher and small mirror. Perfect. Exactly what I wanted.
I practiced my quick draw in the mirror for a little while and must admit, I looked very cool doing that. Truth be told, I was pretty fast. When six-shooters first came on the scene, the Bombays started training on them immediately. I was good with one – the best in my family. That’s probably why they sent me on this assignment. Maybe they saw cowboy potential in me.