Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Dear Santa,
I’m not going to tell you how good I’ve been, I know you hear that all the time. Here’s my Christmas List, and remember, I know how to kill people in very creative ways. You don’t want to find a severed reindeer head in your bed, do you? Neither do I. This isn’t the Godfather. What is WRONG with those people?
1) I want this:
That’s right, an M203 Grenade Launcher. Could I get that tricked out with a nice mahogany case and green laser sights?
Oh, and throw in the stud holding the launcher…just for fun.
2) A medically-induced coma. I am not kidding. I figure that’s the only way I’m going to get any sleep. If you could throw in a Grey Goose Vodka IV, I’d be much obliged. If it’s not too much to ask, I’m sure Terri O could use one too. Maybe we could share a room?
3) Painless, surgery-less liposuction. My husband has lost weight and buffed out over in Iraq. I’m going to need this before May. Throw in a neck lift and you’ll never have to bring me another gift.
4) A snow-shovelling, carpet-vacuming robot who cooks like a native Italian and isn’t afraid to use a LOT of cheese. Do I even have to explain this one? I didn’t think so.
Oh, and world peace, duh.
Love,
The Assassin