Ah, the rotten smelling Corpse Plant…rarely given on Mother’s Day
Okay, so it’s been an insanely rough couple of weeks. And now I find out I’ll be teaching canoeing to girl scouts for TEN HOURS on Saturday. And what comes after Saturday? Well, duh, Sunday. Not just any Sunday, but Mother’s Day.
Ah, the big MD. A day where I have to get up early, dress up and run like a madwoman to please all the mothers in my life, go broke getting presents, drag tired and cranky kids to places of torture called “museums” and “brunches” and return home exhausted to a hovel that seems to have been sacked by filthy Visigoths.
So I’ve decided that we are going to play a little game called “My Fantasy Mother’s Day!” For this game, you and I will come up with what we REALLY want to do on that special day. No saying the “right” or PC thing.
My PERFECT Mother’s Day is all about me. First, I would sleep in. And I don’t mean until 9 or 10. I’m talking P.M. Breakfast would consist of Lucky Charms, little chocolate donuts and mimosas (the orange juice evens the whole thing out – of course). Super Nanny and a legion of obsessive/compulsive maids would arrive around 2 or 3. They would insist on cleaning the house (even getting those weird, unexplained stains off the walls), the kids and pets.
At this point, since Mr. A is now government property, sigh, Stephen Colbert and Alec Baldwin would step in to take me to see a double-feature of “Wolverine – Origins” and “Star Trek.” They would have bought out the entire theatre for my viewing pleasure and it would be all the Milk Duds I could eat.
After the movies, Stevie and Al would drop me off at my newly cleaned house, where my children would have bouquets of lilacs strewn throughout the house. Their gifts to me would be the invention of clear cat food (have I mentioned my seething hatred of cat vomit?), and sessions of liposuction until they get it right. I would fall into my freshly cleaned sheets with a good book, and just before falling asleep would receive a text from my boss telling me to take Monday off with full pay.
What? It is SO totally doable!
Your turn,
The Assassin