Wednesday, May 28, 2008
So, this morning, as I’m getting the kids ready, Margaret asks me, “Mom?” (Because that is my actual name anymore) “What state is Washington DC in?” I immediately answer, “DC or District of Columbia, is it’s own city-state because the founding fathers didn’t want any state government to have jurisdiction over the nation’s capital.” Yes, I was showing off. Mainly because last week’s question, “Mom?” (There’s that damn name again) “What’s the difference between Cumulonimbus Clouds and Nimbus Clouds?” went rather badly when I replied, “Um, well, Cumulonimbus is a cloud that has accumulated Nimbus…”
It’s funny how a fourth-grader can make you feel like an idiot. I would never be stupid enough to go on that “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth-Grader” show. Never. I’d rather have to perform the Chicken Dance (shudder) in my grandmother’s underwear on American Idol.
Anyway, the question made me think of AC/DC, which made me wonder if Pepe the Prawn resembles Steve Buscemi, which made me think about Ding Dongs (and I LOVE Ding Dongs) which made me think of my website, which made me think of my upcoming premier of my FAQ page. Don’t ask how my mind works. I’m not sure but I believe on some days the hamster inside runs faster on his wheel than other days.
So, I’ll give you a few of questions that didn’t make the cut;
“I’m actually thinking of becoming a hitman. Are you aware of any training available?”
My response; “Yes. You should definitely contact the CIA. They are looking for people like you.”
“Have you ever thought of giving Tanqueray Gin shots away at your book signings? I think that would be great!”
My response; “Oh sure. There’s nothing funnier than watching kids shopping for books totally loaded.”
“What’s Louis’ middle name?”
My response; “Um, that’s a good question. I’m sure he has one. It’s just that I’m too lazy to give any of my characters middle names.”
“Can you really garrote a man with circular knitting needles?”
My response; “Sure. You just have to get your knee in the back of the couch for leverage and make sure you hold on for a while after they pass out.” (Note – this is not, I repeat, NOT, from personal experience. It is totally hypothetical.
“I’ve got a great book on my grandmother’s life as a housewife in the 1950’s in Bettendorf. I’m sure it’s a bestseller. Will you send it to your publisher?”
My response; “Hell no. Unless she was a serial killer or prostitute, no one…even me…cares.” And if she was both a serial killer AND a prostitute, I want to read that.
And my favorite:
“How many licks does it take you to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?”
My response; “Thirty-two. And it has to be chocolate.” My children have never had a chocolate one because I raid them from their Halloween stash each year and keep them hidden away to work on when I’d rather eat an entire chocolate cake.
Well, there you have it. What about you? What’s the weirdest question you’ve been asked?